Ever feel unequipped? Ever been thrust something that is so far out of the realms of the familiar that you wonder why is this even happening to me? How can I do this? I think you’ve got the wrong person because I just CANNOT do that!
Yep, this has been my story for the best part of the last year. Being thrown in the deep end, going to and fro between what I can do, should do and want to do. I have learned a few things though. Sometimes you just don’t know what you’re capable of. Sometimes you just don’t know what God is doing in you and through you, until you take a step.
So in the last year, I’ve watched my little family transform. It has grown in ways I couldn’t have imagined or planned for. We have grown from a little family of 4, to 6 and now to what will soon become a family of 7. Insane? Absolutely. Do I feel equipped? Maybe, sometimes? Throughout this journey I have asked many questions, sometimes many times. Have we made the right decision? Can we do this? Why are we doing this? The list goes on. Self doubt has been a pretty big factor. It’s not a small deal to take on the responsibility of kids that you haven’t grown yourself. I mean, it’s totally fine to make mistakes on the ones I made of course, they’ll be right. Not these ones though. Urgh, am I doing this? I am doing this!
I totally take comfort in the fact that self-doubt is not my thing alone, Moses was also a doubter. See Exodus for proof: Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?” Then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?” [Exodus 4:1-2]
What if! That’s one of life’s largest looming questions, isn’t it? What if it turns out all wrong? What if they don’t like me? What if I fail? Sometimes you have to put all those “what if’s” aside and decide to use what’s in your hand. In my experience, it’s always something. What if you succeed and it turns out that you’re greater than you could have ever imagined? What if I didn’t take on these kids because I was too scared that I only had a limited time to love and sow into them and that’s a big risk because there’s every single chance this much love may have to come and go at irregular intervals. What if I love them anyway, anyhow, as much as possible for as long as possible and I do it at every opportunity I am given ,because love is something in my hand, I can always give it.
Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” [Exodus 4:10-12]
I have never, never, in my whole entire life planned on doing or being this. I have never been trained. I have never been very good at that. Honestly, I’ve never had to step out in faith more. And I have found it very comforting that God has met me every single step of the way. Never in my life did I imagine being responsible for so much. I could never have planned for the things life has had in store for me, but the more I go, the more I am learning I am not out on my own, even if sometimes it really has felt like it. It is tempting and totally viable to sit and dwell in what I haven’t done well before, or in some cases EVER at all. Or I can stand up, step out in faith and go with no idea what I may walk into but faith in who I will have to walk with me.
But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.” [Exodus 4:13]
Oh yes. Send someone else. Someone else can do it. Why me? I think at some point this is so true about every person’s response to the experience of being a human. I know some mornings as the alarm rings through the house I think this. It’s so much easier to think someone else should. Responsibility can be a hard thing to take. But God has not chosen someone else. He’s chosen you and he has chosen me.
Way back when God approached Moses, Moses’ first reaction was, “Who am I?” [Exodus 3:11] And throught out the last year as I have sat and contemplated the craziness of what we have committed to, it has been brought home to me and I can’t help but think. Who am I not to? I have sat and also contemplated these words by Marianne Williamson…
“Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Do it, do it with what God has placed in your hand.
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